Sunday, March 7, 2010 @11:43 AM
i don't know what to feel.
its the same wierd feeling as friday after i got my results.
as in, i have already prepared for the worst.
so i wasn't sad, yet i wasn't exactly happy with my results.
i couldn't cry, yet i could not smile.
i really didn't know what to feel.
my results weren't good, but at least it could get me somewhere.
my dream to be a teacher isn't exactly hard to achieve.
but then again, i'm afraid of my fickle minded self.
will my passion last?
as if i major in sciences or teaching, i will have nothing to fall back on.
unlike if i study accounting or psychology in a private uni,
i still will have teaching to fall back on if i can't find a job or am not satisfied.
i really don't know what i should pursue.
everything seem to be on the down side for me.
i really don't know what to feel,
afraid of what lies ahead of me too.
even the immediate tomorrow, field camp.
some say its very tough, though many have gone through it.
someone once asked me, shouldn't guys be brave, not scared, not worried of what lies ahead.
its true to a certain extent i guess, but nope,
guys still feel scared, worried, uneasy all the time.
just that we don't show it, we hide it, and we still get it done in the end.
isn't that what all people do? girls or guys?
just that girls show their fear, their worries, their uneasiness, and have people to get it done together with them.
while guys, we normally conquer the fear, and get it done ourselves.
i once felt, NS is the toughest time of my life, and that i could not get through it without a motivation.
really, although i know i don't have a choice, i have to get used to the life, i have to get through it, i still have my down times.
especially during the toughest trainings,
the super long distances road marches with 20kg loads on your shoulder.
there are many times where my body tell me i'm tired, it hurts, my blisters, my aching shoulders.
but i knew i could not give up. i had to finish it.
i raked through my mind for all sorts of motivations.
tried all sorts of ways to make myself continue on, taking the next step.
echoing her name in my mind taking a step forward with every syllable.
really, this kind of life totally sucks.
field camp next week,
the toughest of the toughest times.
still haven't totally gotten over my shitty results..
unsure of my future, on my courses in uni, the working days after those.
i really don't know how i'm going to endure through this week.
but i know i have to.
though a guy keeps his fears, his worries,
if theres people to walk his fears with him, it'd definitely be better,
maybe some encouragement like "press on" would help,
really grateful to you, who was there to keep my mind off those shitty stuff,
although i would be happier if it was her instead. kidding!(:
nah, you are still someone really important to me.
a sister, someone whom i will be there for at all times no matter what happens.
you may feel otherwise but my stance will never change.
ah, i don't know what i can do.
i really want to hear your voice,
your encouragement.
i know you are facing shitty times too,
but i can't be there,
i don't know what i can do for you.
i really feel super useless, aimless, shitty, depressed, worried, afraid,
in short, i feel shit.